


Absolve

by Beth Harker (Beth_Harker)



Series: You'll have abs in no time. [3]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abuse, Extremely non-graphic references to non-consensual sexual situations, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jeremy's panic and discomfort in relating them to Michael is described in detail, M/M, Post-Canon, but he's too upset to explain what precisely happened so that needs to be inferred, michael not knowing how to react and making mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 03:20:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17931839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beth_Harker/pseuds/Beth%20Harker
Summary: A Star Trek marathon with Michael leads to Jeremy questioning human/AI relations, which leads him to questioning some of the things that went on between him and the Squip, which leads him down a bad mental path.--or--Thesis statement - The Squip's interactions with Jeremy could be potentially interpreted as sexually abusive, and this fic explores how Jeremy might struggle with that down the line, and also struggle with trying to explain it.





	Absolve

Jeremy and Michael have been marathoning Star Trek Voyager since the start of spring break, and making an efficient go of it, seeing as how they’re up to season six. That’s something Jeremy’s Squip taught him. If you’re gong to do something, just do it. Don't sit around thinking about putting on your shoes, or line them up so you can see the little circle in between them that lets you know you haven't mixed up left and right again. Jam those fuckers on your feet, fix your hair, and get out the door (back straight, hands out of your pockets, swagger like sheer bravado might compensate for the unfortunate circumstance of your existence). If you’re going to watch all of an outdated sci-fi series to reassure your best friend that you’re still a geek deep down, the maximum number of episodes you can watch in a day is fourteen, allowing for sleep, bathroom breaks, and travel, so that's what you’d better watch. Make jokes about the dumb plot lines. Revel in the good ones. Debate canon, and for the love of God, be responsive and don't make it weird. Months have passed since the incident, and Michael deserves to see you get better. 

Michael keeps expecting the Borg episodes to freak Jeremy out. Jeremy is fine. Very new-brained, like he's reconceptualizing everything from how he moves to the color of the sky, but not scared of the Borg. He can get why Michael thinks that's what the Squip was like, how on the outside it seemed like a technological menace that wormed its way into Jeremy’s mind, took control, and turned him into part of a ruthless, unfeeling collective. Michael’s wary of exposing Jeremy to zombie movies as well, even though they used to be one of their favorite genres. 

Up until now, the only thing Jeremy’s watched with Michael that's triggered anything in him, has been Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue, a cringetastic 90’s drug PSA where the protagonist struggles with addiction personified in the form of a talking puff of marijuana smoke. Now that's kinda what the Squip had been like - trippy to the ninth degree, capable of summoning hallucinatory armies, and choruses, and probably loony toons characters to tell Jeremy what a loser he was, and convince him that obedience was the only path to coolness. Resistance had never been futile. Jeremy had just sucked too much to bother. 

Jeremy’d explained this all to Michael, of course. He'd kind of explained it. He hadn't talked about the Borg, and armies, and choruses ,and loony toons, and hallucinations. He'd just pointed at the screen, made some nonsense sounds about what things were like, stuttered too much for any kind of clarity, and given up. 

Now, they’re on Voyager, season six, episode 11. Fair Haven. It's one of those ones where the holodeck gets too real, and now Jeremy is getting something again. 

Captain Janeway is making out with this hologram guy and having feelings about it, like maybe it's all too real, and Jeremy is chewing on the inside of his cheek, and it hurts, like maybe it's all too real, and maybe he should say something and…

“Jeremy?” 

Jeremy freezes at Michael’s voice. 

“You good, man?” 

He nods, eyes fixed on the TV. He can taste copper. 

Captain Janeway’s holo-boyfriend is hot. He's like Irish or whatever. Things are getting intense between them. 

“Do you think it's real?” Jeremy blurts out. “Not _real_ real, cause Star Trek, but…” 

Jeremy opens his hands, and closes them. He's not allowed to do that. He glances down at them as if they are his enemy, forcing them to go flat and still against Michael’s bedspread. He swallows back the blood and spit in his mouth. 

“Does doing things with a hologram count?” Jeremy asks, “If they don't like… have a physical form… and they aren't people… so they don't have a physical form, because they’re holograms, and we’re talking in the context of Star Trek here, which is fiction, and…”

Michael isn't looking at Jeremy. “That's one of the questions that makes Trek awesome! We’ve got characters like Data and the Doctor, who you’d be a major asshole to call inhuman, but then you’ve got the holodeck, where things get murky, ‘cause these aren't sustained projections like the Doctor and they don't have memories. Basically the holodeck is Westworld without the nudity, ‘cause this isn't HBO, and also we’re looking at a utopian society, so the artificial intelligence doesn't get naked to symbolize its vulnerability and shit.” 

“Right,” Jeremy agrees, voice weak. His fingers start to curl inwards, but he stops them. He straightens his spine, and keeps his eyes on the TV, but now he's trying to keep a barrier between himself and it. He visualizes it as a curtain separating the audience from the events going on on stage before a play starts. 

He should say something. He has control of what he says and doesn't say. He can say something if he wants to. That's his choice, and besides, if he says something then Michael can say something back, about how maybe Jeremy isn't the worst human being who has ever lived, and then they can go back to just watching TV. 

Jeremy’s face is hot. His chest is cold, and his legs are fucking numb. 

“The Squip—” Jeremy’s voice is startlingly loud. Michael pauses the TV, and it's like a spotlight falls on Jeremy. 

“Are you seeing it?” 

Jeremy shakes his head, eyes trained on the yellow dots on Michael’s pac-man comforter. He rubs his left hand down along them, then digs his fingers in. He's supposed to be still. 

“If maybe I did some stuff with the Squip,” Jeremy asks, “do you think that counts as anything?” 

“Stuff?” Michael repeats the word like it's a big deal. Jeremy doesn't want it to be a big deal. Just a stupid question that shouldn't have been asked in the first place. 

Jeremy’s legs are numb. If he could rub his knees maybe he could get the circulation back, but if he moves, everybody will hate him and know how terrible he is. At moments like this, it's almost like Jeremy can see himself from the outside, a mess of jerky, abortive motions, like an animatronic that’s running out of batteries, movements that used to be automatic flickering to life then grinding to a stop. 

“Not like— We didn't—” Jeremy puts his hand on his chest. “Mostly just with Brooke. Like to make sure I could get into it, it would…”

Jeremy exhales heavily. If he hadn't said anything, he and Michael could probably be on to a new episode by now. He wants. He wants to throw up, or bury his head in his hands and draw his knees up to his chest. 

“Sorry,” Jeremy says. “I didn't mean to make everything about me again. I even sort of liked it at the time, so I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me now.” 

Michael doesn't say a word. He's staring and staring and staring at Jeremy, who can't look at him. 

“Do you think it's gross?” Jeremy asks. His eyes are starting to sting. Out of the corner of them, he catches Michael’s nod, and his breath quickens. Disgusting.

“Jeremy—” Michael reaches for him, but pulls back. “That shouldn't’ve happened. I'm not sure what exactly happened, or how much, but it shouldn't’ve happened. Do you want to tell me?” 

Jeremy shakes his head. He can't wipe his eyes. He can't cover his face. He can't breathe right, and he certainly can't make words. 

“This is such bullshit,” says Michael. “I'm so pissed. I shouldn't touch you right now, should I? I'm not supposed to—”

Usually Michael’s good about it when Jeremy gets like this. Things get to be too much since the Squip. They get that way a lot. So Jeremy crying over who knows what is old hat, and Michael doesn't make a big deal, just helps. Well, obviously, Jeremy has gone too far this time. 

“I'm sorry.” Jeremy doesn't even know why he's apologizing to Michael here. He didn't do anything to Michael (this time), but he's not ready for Michael to hate him, and what else can he really say? 

“I don't know what to do about this one,” Michael admits. 

Jeremy sniffles. 

“Okay.” Michael rubs his hands together. “First of all, you know I'm mad at the Squip, not at you, right?” 

Jeremy shrugs. 

“I'm mad at the Squip, not at you,” Michael repeats. “I'm trying to…um… give you some space here. I'm like 90% sure we’re talking about some kinda sexual abuse thing, on top of everything else, and my impression of this kind of situation is that I'm probably not supposed to touch you right now, but if you want me to, you can come here and…” 

Jeremy surges forward into Michael. It's better than being separate, and cold, and hot, and awkward, and scrutinized, and so fucking terrified. 

“…okay,” Michael whispers. He wraps his arms around Jeremy where they sit. “Okay. I have you. You’re gonna be okay.” 

Michael doesn't say a lot, but he keeps Jeremy close, and lets him settle down in his own way, which basically means rocking him and letting his emotions take their course until he's too tired to show them anymore, and almost too tired to feel them. 

“Can we never talk about this again?” Jeremy asks. 

“Alright. But I think you should talk to somebody.” 

Jeremy shakes his head. 

“That's your choice, but I still think you should.” 

For a long time, neither of them speak. Finally, Michael opens his mouth. “You know what you were asking about Captain Janeway and the hologram?” 

Jeremy nods. 

“I don't think it counted.”

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Michael's last line is missing a lot of nuance, but he's trying to say what he thinks Jeremy wants to hear.


End file.
